Quotable Quotes and Laughable Jokes
"In the fight between you and the world, back the world." - Franz Kafka
Q. How many rednecks does it take eat a 'possum?
A. Two. One to eat, and one to watch for cars.
Q. Why did God invent armadillos?
A. So that rednecks can have 'possum on the halfshell.
Q. What do you get when you cross a python with a porcupine?
A. Ten feet of barbed wire.
Q. What goes peck, peck, peck, boom?
A. A chicken in a mine field.
Q. What goes, "99-thump, 99-thump, 99-thump"?
A. A centipede with a wooden leg.
Q. Why does a tiger have stripes?
A. So he won't be spotted.
Q. How do you call a barber cat?
A. Yell..."Hair, Kitty!"
Q. What do you call four sheep tied to a post in Cardiff (Wales)?
A. A leisure centre.
[Note from American: sheesh. You can tell this has got to be an
American joke if they have to identify the country like they assume people won't know... although how they expect people to know about Wales and sheep if they don't know about Cardiff...? Never mind...]
A fellow stopped at a rural gas station and, after filling his tank, he paid the bill and bought a soft drink. He stood by his car to drink his cola, and he watched a couple of men working along the roadside. One man would dig a hole two or three feet
deep and then move on. The other man came along behind and filled in the hole.
While one was digging a new hole, the other was 25 feet behind filling in the old. The men worked right past the fellow with the soft drink and went on down the road.
"I can't stand this," said the man, tossing the can into a trash container and heading down the road toward the men. "Hold it, hold it," he said to the men.
"Can you tell me what's going on here with this digging?"
"Well, we work for the government," one of the men said.
"But one of you is digging a hole and the other fills it up. You're not accomplishing anything. Aren't you wasting the taxpayers' money?"
"You don't understand, mister," one of the men said, leaning on his shovel and wiping his brow. "Normally there's three of us-me, Rodney, and Mike. I dig the hole, Rodney sticks in the tree, and Mike here puts the dirt back. "Now just because Rodney's sick, that don't mean that Mike and me can't work!"
A farmer lived alone in the Irish countryside with a
pet dog he doted on. The dog finally died and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked, "Father, my dog is dead. Could you be saying a mass for the creature?"
Father Patrick replied, "No, we cannot have services for an animal in the church, but there's a new denomination down the road, no telling what they believe, but maybe they'll do something for the animal."
Muldoon said, "I'll go right now. Do you think £50,000 is enough to donate for the service?"
Father Patrick asked, "Why didn't you tell me the dog was
Catholic?"
A lawyer who was quite wealthy had a summer house in the country, to which he retreated for several weeks of the year. Each summer, the lawyer would invite a different friend of his (no, that's not the punch line) to spend a week or two up at this place, which happened to be in a backwoods section of Maine.
On one particular occasion, he invited a Czechoslovakian friend to stay with him. The friend, eager to get a freebie off a lawyer, agreed. Well, they had a splendid time in the country, rising early and living in the great outdoors.
Early one morning, the lawyer and his Czechoslovakian companion went out to pick berries for their morning breakfast. As they went around the berry patch, gathering blueberries and raspberries in tremendous quantities, along came two huge bears, a male and a female. Well, the lawyer, seeing the two bears, immediately dashed for cover. His
friend, though, wasn't so lucky, and the male bear reached him and swallowed him whole.
The lawyer ran back to his Mercedes, tore into town as fast has he could, and got the local backwoods sheriff. The sheriff grabbed his shotgun and dashed back to the berry patch with the lawyer. Sure enough, the two bears were still there.
"He's in THAT one!" cried the lawyer, pointing to the male, while visions of lawsuits from his friend's family danced in his head. He just had to save his friend. The sheriff looked at the bears, and
without batting an eye, leveled his gun, took careful aim, and shot the female.
"What did you do that for!" exclaimed the lawyer, "I said he was in the other!"
"Exactly," replied the sheriff, "and would YOU believe a lawyer who told you that the Czech was in the Male?"
An engineer dies and reports to the pearly gates. St. Peter
checks his dossier and says, "Ah, you're an engineer, you're in the wrong place." So the engineer reports to the gates of
hell and is let in.
Pretty soon, the engineer gets dissatisfied with the level of
comfort in hell, and starts designing and building improvements. After a while, they've got air conditioning and flush
toilets and escalators, and the engineer is a pretty popular guy.
One day God calls Satan up on the telephone and says with a sneer, "So, how's it going down there in hell?"
Satan replies, "Hey, things are going great.
We've got air conditioning and flush toilets and escalators, and there's no telling what this engineer is
going to come up with next."
God replies, "What? You've got an engineer?
That's a mistake, he should never have gotten down there, send him up here."
Satan says, "No
way. I like having an engineer on the staff, and I'm keeping him."
God says, "Send him back up here or I'll sue."
Satan laughs uproariously and answers, "Yeah, right. And just where are YOU going to get a lawyer?"
How do you know if you have a blonde working for you?
There's Tipp-ex on your computer screen.
Einstein dies and he goes to Heaven, and St Peter tells him that there isn't much room left, so he'll have to share a dorm for a while. Einstein is OK with this, so Peter introduces him to his roommates.
"This is Matteus, he has an IQ of 200 or so."
"Gut, gut, ve can talk about my t'eory ov Relativity!"
"And this is Simon. He has an IQ of about 180."
"Gut, gut, we can talk about philosofy!"
"And this is Ronnie. He has an IQ of 70 or so."
"Vell then Ronnie, do you tsink the Giants vill vin the Vorld Series?"
Why should you not give blondes coffee breaks?
The re-training cost is so high.
A man dies and goes to Hell, as happens in this sort of joke. When he gets there, the Devil tells him that Hell is really not as bad as people think. The only problem is that all the stuff that the Creator doesn't like, he sends down to Hell, so it gets bad press.
"Hey," says the Devil, "Did you like drinking when you were alive?"
"Well, yes, I did."
"Oh, then you're going to love Mondays. All day constant drinking, whatever you like, and of course, there's no hangovers, coz you're already dead!"
The man agrees that this sounds great.
"When you were alive, did you like drugs?"
"Well, yes, I did."
"Oh, you're going to love Tuesdays. All day, constant jacking up and pill-popping. And the best thing is, you can't get addicted, coz you're already dead!"
"And, uh, did you like girls?"
"Yes" comes the reply.
"Then you are going to love Wednesdays. All the girls here are completely immoral. And the best thing is, no nasty diseases, and no paternity problems, coz you're already dead!"
"Did you like violence?"
"Well, I did beat up on people sometimes, I must admit."
"Then you will love Thursdays. Thursdays we all go out and find victims and beat them up, and the best thing is, even if you get beaten back, it doesn't hurt, coz you're already dead!"
"Sounds like fun."
"And when you were alive, were you gay?"
"Uh, no."
"Then you're gonna hate Fridays!"
"Well, at least nothing worse can happen now." - Variously attributed.
Why is a noisy dog like a tree with Dutch Elm Disease?
Its bark is worse than its blight!
"Sin is geographical" - Bertrand Russell.
:o) An Irishman was working one day on his building site, and his pickaxe struck a glass bottle, smashing it. Out came a genie, who said he would grant the Irishman three wishes.
"Well," said the Irishman, "I reckon I'd like a glass of Guiness that always refills itself when I tell it to, no matter how much I drink."
So the genie hands him a glass of Guiness, and he drinks it, and watches it fill up again on his command. He drinks it again, to make sure it works, and it refills.
"Well, that is nice, to be sure," says he. "Gimme another two like that."
An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are drinking in a bar when in bursts a mad revolutionary. (For the sake of completeness, I call him Welsh) "I have a syringe full of blood with the
AIDS Virus, and if you don't give me all your money, why, I'll stick it in yer."
He approaches the Englishman, who has just cashed his pay-cheque, and the Englishman hands over his hard earned money.
He approaches the Scotsman, who has £3.50 in his pocket, and the Scotsman, it being his round next anyhow, hands over his money after a few seconds' thought.
He approaches the Irishman, who has £3000 in his inside pocket, for a deposit on his flat. "Bugger off!" says the Irishman.
"But it's the Aids Virus! It'll kill you!"
"Bugger off, Oi said!"
So the mad revolutionary sticks the needle into the Irishman and runs out of the pub.
"That was very brave," says the Englishman,
"-But very very stupid," exclaims the Scot.
"Not to worry," replies Paddy, "I am wearing a condom!"
A man dies and he goes up to Heaven to see if they'll let him in, and St Peter says,
" Of course, welcome. We take anybody who's been good, regardless of religion, and they all get whatever they want."
Then St Peter takes him on a tour of Heaven, and shows him people of all races and religions sharing happily.
And as they are walking past a very high wall, Peter says,"Shhh," and walks on tiptoes.
The man listens carefully and can make out the sounds of faint laughter from behind the wall.
"What was behind that?" he asks, once they are safely away.
"Oh," says St Peter, "That's the Catholics. They think they're up here alone."
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The Ubiquitous Lightbulb Joke Section, soon to have its own page!
How many Politicians does it take to change a lightbulb?
Four. One to do it, and two to confuse the issue.
How many bassists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
None. The keyboard player can do it with his left hand.
How many elephants does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Only two, but you need a bloody big lightbulb.
How many Marxists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
"The Lightbulb contains the seeds of its own revolution!"
How many Hollywood producers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't screw in lightbulbs, they screw in jacuzzies.
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Sick Jokes. Not for the Faint of Heart.
What is pink and slimy and weighs four tonnes?
An inside out elephant.
What is worse than 10000 dead babies piled on top of each other?
One live one underneath trying to eat its way out.
What is the difference between sand and babies?
Babies don't slip off the pitchfork.
What's red and sits in the corner?
A baby with a safety razor.
What's red and hangs from the ceiling?
A baby on a meat hook.
What's purple and green and hangs from the ceiling?
The same baby a fortnight later.
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