Calling For Technical Support:
 
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 Automated Answer: Thank you for calling Technical Support. 
 All of our technicians are currently busy helping people even less 
 competent than you, so please hold for the next available technician.The
 waiting time is now estimated at between fifteen minutes and eternity.In
 order to expedite your call, please punch your 63-digit product
 identification number onto your telephone touch pad, followed by your
 product serial number, which can be found in a secret compartmentinside
 your computer where, for security purposes, it is
 printed in the smallest typeface known to mankind. Do that now. 
   (Lengthy excerpt from Mahler's "Lugubrious" Symphony in C Minor) 
 Thank you again for calling Technical Support. 
 We recommend that you sit at your computer, preferably turning it onat
 some point, and have at hand all your floppy disks, CD-ROM disks,computer
 manuals and original packing materials in order to allow thetechnician to
 aid you in the unlikely event that he ever takes your call. It wouldalso
 be helpful for you to refrain from sobbing while explaining yourproblem to
 the technician. Shouting obscene threats will cause you to beimmediately
 disconnected and blackballed from further communication with Technical
 Support, not only from ours but that of every otherelectronics-related
 firm in the industrialized world. 
   (Medley of Hootie and the Blowfish hits rendered by
    the Mormon Tabernacle Choir) 
 Thank you once again for calling Technical Support. 
 In order to enable us to better assist you, it would be helpful toknow
 more about you and your equipment. Have you called Technical Support
 before? If you have, please press the numeral "one" on your telephone
 touchpad. If not, press the numeral "two." If you are not sure, usingthe
 letters on your touchpad, spell out the phrase: "I am confused and
 despondent and quickly losing the will to live." 
 Once you have finished, hang up your phone and make arrangements tosell
 your computer because by the time the technician takes your call, itwill
 be obsolete, and you will be too senile to use it anyway. 
   (Rangoon Opera Company's classic 1963 recording of
    Wagner's "Ring Cycle" in its entirety) 
 Thank you for calling Technical Support.
 Unfortunately, all of our technicians just went out for lunch. Thismeans
 that to the estimated waiting time we gave you earlier, you may nowadd at
 least another two hours.   (Wayne Newton singing "Danke Schoen" 1,743 times)
  Thank you for calling Technical Support.
 Before talking to the technician about your problem and risking the
 possibility that you may be wasting his valuable time, please askyourself
 the following questions: If my monitor screen is dark, is it possibleI
 have forgotten to plug in my computer or, alternately, that I havebeen
 suddenly struck blind? Have I exhausted every possible means of help before
 utilizing the sacred, last-resort-only telephone option? Have I sent afax
 to Fast Fax Technical Support? Have I consulted my manual? Have I readthe
 Read-Me notice on the floppy disk? Have I called up my know-it-allgeek
 cousin who I can't stand but who can probably fix this thing for me in
 under five minutes? Have I given the central processing unit of my computer
 a good, solid whack? If you cannot honestly answer "yes" to all these
 questions, please get off the line immediately so that our overworked
 technicians can help those truly desperate customers whose sufferingis so
 much greater than yours. 
  (Recording of Tibetan monks performing a six-day chant celebrating
   the reincarnation of one of their recently deceased colleagues into
   the form of a salamander.)  Thank you for calling Technical Support.
 You may not be aware that this week we are featuring a discount on a number
 of popular CD-ROM titles you may wish to purchase. If you would liketo
 hear all 26,000 titles read to you, shout "Yes! Yes! Yes!" into the
 telephone now. This will not cause you to lose your place in line for
 Technical Support; in fact it may jump you ahead of several othercallers. 
   (Tape loop of background music from the soundtrack of
    Johnny Mnemonic starring Keanu Reeves.) 
 Thank you for calling Technical Support.
 Our electronic sensors indicate that you are about to slump over anddie
 from a massive frustration attack combined with severe dehydrationfrom
 lack of food and water. Before doing so, please takea moment to placeyour
 telephone receiver back in its base and switch off your computer so asnot
 to wear down its internal battery. As a non-living person, you willhave no
 further need of Technical Support and so we regretfully must removeyou
 from our list of registered product users. Remember, we valued your
 patronage and were happy to serve your needs. Do not hesitate to haveyour
 heirs or beneficiaries contact us should any further technicalproblems arise.